That's All

I woke up when I heard my father opened the room and he called me. My father said that I would eat my breakfast already because my mom wanted to tell us something. I heard my mom shouting when she called my older sister to wake up. My mom has an irritating voice when she shouts. And I am afraid everytime she does it. So I woke up and went downstairs. It was obvious that my sister was irritated. But she still went downstairs. My mom talked. She was just talking about me accompanying my sister to the place where she studies because she is alone. And then my sister told my mom that she will go to that place on Sunday because one of her boardmates will arrive on Saturday so that she won't be alone anymore. And then my mom agreed and told us "that's all I want to say, you can sleep now."
It was seven in the morning when our parents called us just to say this thing. I thought it was more serious but I was wrong. They can tell us about this matter this night. Why wake us up?

So the end of the story is that I and my sister sleep again.

Something about Psychology

Defense mechanisms, what are those things? Denial is the famous defense mechanism I have known because I was first introduced by it even before I have taken psychology class. I used to say it and my sister too. Well, of course, she’s a psychology student. That is her line. Denial, by the way, as what our teacher in psychology taught us, is the total negation of reality. Other defense mechanisms include rationalization, repression, suppression, regression, fixation, identification, compartmentalization, displacement, sublimation and introjection. What are these things? Try to take this course and it will really suit your interest and you will understand these things. I and my friends used to relate with these things even in jokes. Maybe that is a sign of liking this course. For me, I really love psychology. It is interesting since I get to know personalities of people. I love listening to my teacher despite of being so fast. Sometimes I can’t cope with him. He is undoubtedly fast. But our teacher is intelligent. No doubt he is good in discussions. The only problem is that he doesn’t know how to manage his time. He is a latecomer. He gives us a make up class and he let us wait for hours and will text our beadle beyond the time to say that we will not having a class. Maybe his busy but still it is not an excuse. It is really irritating. But there is something in him that I like. I really admire my teacher for being so intelligent. I feel like I am intellectually infatuated with him. I hope the good thing about him will manipulate and eat the bad thing so that I will not completely learn to hate him. I am actually in between and I am trying to balance them.
My sister seems to use psychology concepts in me and on other people. She tries to psychoanalyze people. I even told her that she was really committed with her field of study and she was like inside the box where nothing is there aside from the theories of personalities. It was so annoying because she intends to insist what she knew. Well, I just realized that it wasn’t her fault why she’s acting that way. I am not a major in psychology but I am like addicted to the concepts. I know why she seems to behave that way. It is so addictive that sometimes it is hard to resist. But sometimes I think it is too much already. I cannot handle it anymore.

What can pictures do to me?

I love watching pictures of myself together with the people whom I share my life with. I can see smiley faces which are so good to look at as if nothing matters expect being happy. Others don’t care about how they look and try to make some very funny faces. I’m actually one of them. Some are acting like gods and goddesses as if they are the most beautiful persons on earth. They pose like professional models. Every time the camera turns on, everyone does their own thing and project whatever they want. Despite of being so tired, the people can somehow make it up just to look good in front of the camera. We seem to be enjoying a particular moment in our lives. A moment that we will cherish for the rest of our remaining lives here on earth.

But sometimes pictures are not good to look at, not because it is literally ugly but because these pictures tend to remind me of something in the past which I want to forget about. The people in the picture seem to be so happy without them knowing that someone out there is still hurting. It is just sad to know that I am not yet over with it.
I don’t actually remember dates, sometimes names because of lack of communication and even some events that is why I am still thankful because I can somehow reminisce my past as I watch the pictures.
I cannot actually blame the pictures. Stupid me if I would do that thing. It is the part of my experience that makes it good or bad. Indeed, it is. But I cannot change the fact that a picture is a gateway for my memories to be remembered again and again.
Funny how a little picture can give a huge impact in my life. Maybe it is not about how tiny or how big a thing is, it is how a thing affects me that matters.

Note: I just saw a picture of my friends and I remembered what happened in the past. Still it hurts.

I can't

Why is it for some people it's hard to say I Love You? Like me. I can't say I love you to my family and to my friends. It's not because I don't love them. I just can't say those words to anyone. Maybe because I am not used to it. I'm not a type of person who is vocal. I usually don't show my feelings to anyone. I hide it in my heart. I'm a secretive person. I think that it is such a shame to say those words. I also think that those words are not just ordinary words and I just can't say it to anyone. I feel like "I Love You" is such a powerful statement that I cannot just take for granted. Even though other people will say "I Love You" to me, I cannot reply.

I am hoping that I can become vocal even a little. Just a little will do. hehehe.

I can't even greet my mother a happy mother's day in person. I can't even thank my parents. I can't even write "I Love you" in a letter.
What is my problem? Is there anything wrong about me? I wish I can show my feelings properly.

Confirmation

I just had my confirmation this morning together with my two sisters and three cousins. I know it was humiliating since I am like too old to have this. And you know what's more humiliating to me? I wore a skirt. I am not used to wear skirt so it is kind of a strange or weird. When I asked my older sister if I can wear pants, she just told me that it was a requirement. So, I had no choice. I got shocked when we went to the church because there were so many people. Of course, I know it is just normal since it is a public place. But this day is different. They are having their fiesta so there were more people attending the mass. And when I saw the people, they were just wearing ordinary clothes. They were wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I felt so mad because it was okay to wear ordinary clothes. And I was there wearing a skirt. We attended the mass before we had our confirmation. I even said bad words because the priest had a very long sermon and I was like dying of shyness. People were like looking at us because of our dresses. Maybe I was just being paranoid. I felt really uncomfortable. I always fixed my skirt and my blouse. My younger sister even told me to shut up and she told me that I was so conscious. Yes, It was true. But no one can blame me. It is just I am not comfortable wearing those kind of clothes.
It turned out good. We took pictures. I felt somehow happy because I wore that thing in public.